Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Mother's Prayer For Her Daughter

YES, YES, YES Tina Fey... I am right there with you. 
(An excerpt from Bossy Pants)

“First, Lord: No tattoos.
May neither Chinese symbol for truth
nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo
stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged,
 for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye,
not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half
And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design?
I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart
with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms,
so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.
Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,
For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day –
And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,
That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers
And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,
Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,
For I will not have that Shit.
I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day,
be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her,
lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored,
and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.
“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me.
And she will forget.
But I’ll know,
 because I peeped it with Your God eyes.



  1. I just laughed, teared up and fondly remembered and wished all at the same time!

    Amen indeed!

  2. I love Bossypants! Great exerpt :)

  3. i LOVED that book!! She's so funny! and this prayer is so funny, but so true!

  4. LOVE! The book, the sentiment, the fact that we can all relate, and that you are sharing it here! This kind of made my day! =)

  5. I love Tina Fey! This prayer is so perfect! :)

  6. i loved this book, thanks for reminding me how much i loved this part in particular!

  7. this was the 1st book I read on my kindle! absolutely adored it, and adore her :)

  8. Oh dear, this was funny. Thanks for sharing! :)

  9. Love this. Precious and funny :)

  10. Hi, I came by from the ad swap, and I haven't been able to stop reading your post! I am just a little in {love} with that little girl of yours. You have been so much fun to get to know a little! I look forward to following your future post :) I Just have to tell you that those birthday pics of your baby are amazing! My little one will be 2 in July and I have a pattern for that romper...Just might have to make one! (Oh,and I have to say I love the halloween costumes! LOL!)


  11. Loved that book too and this part was my fav/ Love your blog!