Thursday, January 17, 2013

Grace Upon Grace


You see things differently when you become a mother. Before I had Reese, we were really worried I would get postpartum depression because of my history. I specifically remember one moment where the weight of everything came crashing down on me... but not quite how I thought it would.

It was a quiet morning and Reese was sleeping downstairs. Hubby and his mom were quietly talking and urged me to go upstairs and shower. And like any new mama, I jumped at the chance for those few quiet minutes alone. As the hot water beat against my skin I started thinking back over the past year.

Before I met Hubby..and especially before I met Jesus I had done a lot of things I wasn't proud of. So when Hubby and I decided we wanted to get pregnant I just knew it would take me a long time. But we surprisingly got pregnant on the first try.

It was too good to be true, and I didn't deserve it for a second, so I was so so worried we would lose the baby. When that didn't happen I prepared myself for the morning sickness and difficult pregnancy that just never came.

Then one day when listening to her heartbeat the Doctor heard an arrhythmia. This is it, I thought. But nothing ever came of it... the arrhythmia corrected in utero and it just meant we got to hear Reese's heartbeat every week for the remainder of our pregnancy.

That's when I knew... I was going to have a horrible and difficult birth. There was just no way around it, things in my life were just.too.good. But Reese's birth was seriously calm and amazing and wonderful. And Reese was absolutely perfect.

That's when the tears came flooding out. I turned the water off and called Hubby to our room. When he came upstairs and saw me in my towel with tears running down my face I know he thought This is it... she has postpartum. Things are just too good.

But that wasn't it at all.

I sat him down and wiped the tears away. I told him that the tears weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of unimaginable happiness. The realization that God's grace was so good, so complete, and came regardless of whether or not we deserved it was overwhelming. This is it. He isn't going to punish us. This is our life. Praise be to God (for really really real).  

It was almost too much... and it was certainly too good... and it was wonderful. I've never written about this moment on the blog before, but I've thought about it over and over and over. I just wanted to write this moment down to remember it and to share it with you. In case YOU don't realize how much God loves you. That no matter where you are or what you've done that He's not going to punish you. He loves you (specifically) and cares about you (specifically) and He's got nothing planned for you but grace upon grace (upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace).


19 comments:

  1. This was quite beautiful. God's grace is such a beautiful thing. Lord knows I have done absolutely nothing to deserve the life He has given me since I've turned away from my old life, but He has given it to me all the same. May He continue to bless you family <3

    xoxo

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  2. Just beautiful. God is so good and we don't deserve an ounce of what He blesses us with. And yet He does it anyway!! I have had all of those same thoughts with my pregnancies, especially given my history. And yet, He gave me 2 beautiful boys and I could not be more blessed. Thank you for telling this story.

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  3. I need to hear this tonight. Thanks for sharing your heart, sweet girl!

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  4. I loved this. After suffering from Depression in 2011, and now an engagement, and wedding this year, I guess the idea of babies is coming into my mind! I get worried about suffering from postnatal depression due to my history too - it's great to hear that someone who has been through it has had a baby and things were okay! Kirsty x

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  5. I've been in tears all night and this just keeps them coming! grace upon grace upon grace... I SO needed that!

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  6. I have been in tears all night and this just made them keep coming! grace upon grace upon grace... I SO needed that!

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  7. Thank you for this! Fear of punishment from God is one of the biggest struggles I have to get past in realizing his love for me. I know it is Satan trying to muddle my mind.

    It IS so nice to hear "grace upon grace" stories, though so THANK YOU!

    -Alexis

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  8. Ash, this is amazing. As I was reading my heart wanted to yell, You are loved so much more than you think! You don't have to pay for things in the past! But it looks like Jesus told you those things already :) I'm so glad you shared this moment, it certainly is one of total truth and the crazy love of Jesus.

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  9. Oh my gosh this is an amazing story! Makes me want to cry too! Thank you so much for sharing.

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  10. Wow! This is exactly what my soul needed to read today. Thank you for being God's messenger to me! :)

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  11. Tears in my eyes. This is so beautiful and I'm so glad you shared. He is SO good.

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  12. Such a beautiful story! I am definitely crying now. Grace upon grace upon grace. Thank you for the reminder!! He does love you and me specifically and how blessed we are because of that! I too, have a past I would like to forget… But, I know he loves me exactly where I a.m. and has a wonderful plan for me. And, I am forgiven! Thank you so much for your transparency and truth.

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  13. I just read your "history" post. We have a lot in common. I blog about my struggles with depression (actually bipolar disorder) regularly. I've written about suicide, medication, self-medication . . . everything. It's so hard to feel these things. But every once in awhile I have some good months :)

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  14. This is awesome. God's love is amazing and He definitely doesn't give us what we deserve!

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  15. Ashley, this is so beautiful! I was just talking to a friend yesterday about how I struggled with those same feelings hen it came to marrying my husband. The thoughts "God can't be blessing me this much," we're so wrong. Thank you for sharing this!
    Alesha <3
    aleshablessed.com

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  16. My mind works this same way! When things go too good, I get worried. Thanks for the reminder that God's grace is on our lives constantly.

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  17. Wow. What a heart-felt story. I am truly touched by your story and encouraged by your willingness to share your faith openly on the blog along with your own personal struggles. Thank you for this post and for your desire to share with the blogging community.

    Lauren @ My Polished Side Blog

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