Tuesday, April 9, 2013

An Unprepared Heart

Our csection with Kendall is scheduled for two weeks from today. Woosh... that feels super soon. I know I've been pregnant for 9+ months at this point, but for some reason this pregnancy went a whole lot faster than our pregnancy with Reese. When you're pregnant with your first child, you spend every moment preparing for that baby, thinking about what that baby will be like, decorating their nursery, picking out cute little baby clothes, and really preparing your heart. With Reese we were perfectly prepared at 36 weeks and just spent the next 6 weeks waiting for her to show up. This pregnancy is a whole different animal. I think it's mostly because I still spend all my time thinking about and chasing Reese. We kept all her baby clothes and gear so we didn't have to do a whole lot of shopping. The girls will be sharing a room but only after Kendall is 6 months old. Until then she will be in the guest room (once she moves out of our room) so we haven't made her a nursery or decorated their room yet. I mean, sure, we have all the gear we need and technically, we have everything we need for her arrival. But for some reason, my heart just doesn't feel ready.
I don't know if this makes me a terrible mother or not. I don't know if other women going from one baby to two babies feel this way... or if it happens with every baby... or if it's only happening with me. I just don't feel prepared. I wouldn't say I don't love Kendall... we have had a few little scares with her and each step of the way I have known I loved her. I have dreamt about what she will be like and prayed over her. But, I guess I just don't feel connected to her like I felt connected during my first pregnancy. And Reese hasn't been making it easy for me lately. Over the past week she has been sobbing for me at the weirdest times. She woke up once at 2am (and she NEVER wakes up at night- literally not since she was 8 weeks old) and was just crying out for me. I went in her room to lay her back down and she just clutched onto me in a panic. Then the next day when Hubby who has always been her favorite but we won't go there was doing the bedtime routine she has done every night over her life, she didn't even want him to hold her- she was just crying out for me. She wouldn't even let me lay her down.. just wanted to be held and was crying "mommy... mommy" over and over. Then today when my mother's helper came over to play (with bubbles no less!) Reese just stood at the backdoor and cried for me. This is very unusual for our super smiley, sociable, and independent little girl.
These are scary thoughts (and behaviors on Reese's part)  to be having two weeks before Kendall gets here. Logically, I know in my heart that when they hand her to me the whole world will stop for a moment and it will just be me and my daughter and all the worries I have now will wash away. I know it. But it just feels weird to imagine. I love Reese so much that it hurts sometimes and I just can't imagine how there is room in my heart to love another little girl the same way. I know that there is always enough love to go around, I mean, look at how much God love's all of us. But knowing something in your head and feeling something in your heart are two different things... and right now my heart feels blocked off. I think I'm just scared. Scared I'm going to go into labor before my mom gets here and we will have no one to watch Reese during our hospital stay. Super scared of the csection. Scared of the recovery. Scared of how Reese is going to react to me not being able to hold her for weeks. Scared of how our family will adjust from 3 to 4. Scared of how I'm going to handle being the mother of two kids. Scared I might get PPD. Scared I might not be able to do it all. And I know, I know, I need to lean on Christ. I know I will love my kids and be able to mother as many as we have. I know I will be fine during the csection and afterward. I know that my husband and family are amazing and are all going to be such a big help in this transition. I know it's not really all that fair to be scared of things that are nothing but blessings. I know all the things I'm supposed to think and that other's are supposed to say. I know and I'm sorry. But I had to just get on here and be real with y'all. Pray for me, maybe?

29 comments:

  1. Definitely praying for you. And um, you are not a terribly mother - don't believe that lie! AND - the pictures are gorgeous!!

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  2. girl, basically, i could've written this EXACT post in the weeks before Rogan was born. I couldn't fathom how i could possibly love another child as much as the one i already had. but, you do and it's kind of a miracle that your heart can hold that much love! i definitely know your fears and have been ther----so praying for you all for SURE! love ya!

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  3. These pictures are beautiful!
    Praying for you.

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  4. I get it... I'm only pregnant with my first but it is a scary thing to worry about being completely prepared. To stress over your family growing by one little person and really changing forever! I really hope venting made you feel better! Like you said, you know all the things anyone could say, so I'll just say praying for you!!!

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  5. Praying for you!! You are going to be FABULOUS! Big sis is going to do awesome. Please know I'm here for you if you need to talk, it's not easy but there's something about when you hold that baby that your heart explodes and all that fear goes away. Love you friend!

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  6. praying for God's peace to fill every inch of you. He has prepared you for this, whether you feel it or not.

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  7. oh you are so normal. i wrote something similar on my blog about 1.5 yrs ago ( http://www.jenmall.blogspot.com/2011/11/anticipation-is-hardest.html) when expecting our 2nd. our oldest wasn't quite 2 yet, and i spent the last week of that pregnancy crying every night over how our days with just her were coming to an end. it's a weird place to be and it's hard to imagine loving a baby that you don't know yet as much as the child you have bonded with for 2 years but just as you have said-it happens! our little guy is the sweetest baby boy and i could not possibly have imagined how much i would love him. i also had c-sections with both of my pregnancies and was beyond anxious about taking care of our oldest post-surgery. i was amazed at how much easier it was than i anticipated. she was old enough to understand i couldn't pick her up for a few weeks (by week 3-4 i felt good enough to lift her) and was happy to sit on the couch with me instead. it will be difficult at first and your hormones only make it seems worse, but you can do it! we are expecting our 3rd now in june so i am just now starting to have to remind myself of these things too.

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  8. Thank you for being brave and sharing your heart! I can somewhat relate (but not entirely, because I only have one child). I hope and pray that someday we will be able to have a second biological child, but I've worried/wondered how in the world I could possibly have enough room in my heart to love another child as much as my first!!!

    Many blessings to you as you enjoy this last bit of time as a family of three.

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  9. You are such a beautiful writer. This is so beautiful, and I can only imagine that it will resonate with so many women who have been, or will be in your shoes. I will be praying for you, and for this transition. I'm excited for all of the love that you will be experiencing when your new little girl joins the 5ohParty :)

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  10. this is so honest. I will be praying for you. You can count on that. Love you girl!

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  11. This is why you are going to be an amazing mother of 2 daughters!!! Your heart, I just love it. I love you and your honesty! You are SO normal!

    Can I tell you? I was feeling very similar with Eli. I'm not really an emotional person as it is. But what's funny is that I feel like I have been able to fall more in love with him, quicker then I did with Isaac (not that I love one more than the other! There really is plenty of love to go around ;). And because the second time around, you're not learning how to be a mom. You already know that. This time I've just had all this time to enjoy my baby without worrying about all the little things. Without spending my time figuring out how to breastfeed or change his diaper the right way or get him on a sleep schedule. I haven't opened a single parenting book. I just get to love on him and enjoy him. Well, that and chase around a rambunctious 2 year old ;)

    I will definitely be praying with you!

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  12. i have no babies, so i can't relate. never been preggos...obviously.
    however.
    you're an amazing mother and woman of God and that's so evident that i don't even need to know you in "real life" to tell you that. i can only assume that these fears are normal. and one's i heard from my big sissy before she had her c-section too. the Lord is going to bless you more than you could even imagine in a couple weeks, it's going to be awesome. i just prayed for you, and will be putting you on my prayer list.
    you're awesome.
    and such an influence. and a super wonderful mommy. :)

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  13. Gosh, I'm not even a mother and I really feel for you here.
    These would be my worries if I were in your situation.
    I'm a constant worrier. I lean on God too. Tons.
    But sometimes that worry wort part of me pushes through.
    And that's perfectly okay. God will always be there.
    You are an amazing mother of one, and you'll soon be amazing with two.
    Worrying about all this shows that. You have such a good heart.
    Praying for you =)

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  14. I know I'm not a momma so I don't have the best advice but...it kind of sounds like 5ohBig is crying out for you and wanting to spend some more time with you before the new baby arrives. She's not going to be an only child for much longer!

    Danielle at Framed Frosting

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  15. Will be praying for you friend! You are an amazing mama! =)
    It will all fall into place and happen in God's timing friend!
    Will pray God's peace over you guys in the coming weeks!
    Much Love & hugs!

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  16. I'm sitting here quite possibly in early labor, due tomorrow with our second daughter. and I feel the same exact way. and from what I've heard, we are feeling totally normal. :) hang in there, mama! we're in this together!

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  17. Oh sweet mama, I'm praying for you! I have yet to enter motherhood, but the crazy thing is you put to words the fears I feel already when I think about becoming a mom - frankly, I'm terrified! But I digress... I just want to hug you, make you laugh and pray over you.
    xoxo J

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  18. prayers...you got them! :)

    xo
    purposelyathome.blogspot.com

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  19. Thinking of you girl :) Prayers sent your way! xo

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  20. Hugs lady. I'll definitely be praying for you. But you GOT this. I know you'll not only survive another kid, you'll thrive. Just relax and know it will all work itself out

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  21. Praying for you sweetheart!

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  22. These sentiments are far too familiar...our second little one is on the way and I've been feeling all of the above. My girl has been extra clingy too, as if she knows the days of my undivided attentions to her are numbered. And it breaks my heart. But it helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. And I KNOW there will be enough room in my heart for both of them when this next baby comes. So SO much to be thankful for and to look forward too:) Peace to you and prayers for a safe & joyful delivery xx

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  23. Praying for you girl! I often the same way--so nervous and excited at the same time about baby boy coming (due in two weeks...goodness!). Praying for peace, an easy transition, and a heart overflowing for 5ohlitte :)

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  24. Just stumbled across your blog and as you can see from the comments you are normal in your feelings. :) I have 4 children 5 and under, and felt unprepared emotionally and disconnected with my last 3 babies (while pregnant), compared to my first. I really only am commenting because here is what helped me a lot--in that last month or couple weeks (my last 3 were all a week or more late, so the wait was really getting to me!), I took some time (alone if at all possible), maybe an hour or so, to sit on the couch with a cup of tea or something relaxing, and I simply stroked my belly, talked to my baby, told the baby how excited I was to meet him/her, and prayed. If I could do it more than once I did, and it really helped! I think when you have more than one child it is as you say--you're so busy with life and keeping up with the kid(s) that the pregnancy just flies by. By pausing and being purposeful to connect and prepare my heart I felt more ready for the baby.

    I hope this helps. And I know you'll be a wonderful mama to 2, and I pray you will have peace!

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  25. You're not alone at all in these thoughts, I promise. I think your daughter senses things are going to change, but it will be okay. She will love her sister. Siblings are the best...I love it so much. I was scared that having two would be too hard, that there wasn't enough love, enough of me, that I couldn't do it, but those thoughts are from the devil. You're a strong mama. Praying for peace!

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  26. Peace be with you dear sister! Through Christ you've got this. I just finished praying for you <3

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  27. Aw I know these fears well. especially wondering how I would love another child as much as my first...but somehow magically happens....and now I have 3 I cannot live without... Gods grace will carry you.through friend. I'm so excited for you :-

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  28. you know what, Ashley, I hear your heart here. It's so hard because you spend 9 months growing the little munchkin and as a mama you want to love each child so much (and well, kindof feel like you're supposed to. Isn't that just what good Mamas do? Love each kid the same overflowing love?) But honest moment here- I didn't feel it at first before he came. I mean, I loved him, but not the same way as our older one. There were times I was in tears, many many tears over not wanting our sweet perfect family of three to ever change. I just wasn't ready for it. I mean, our little trio of three was just right. I didn't feel like my Mama heart had any more room. But, I have to tell you. The second I held him in my arms, I felt it. This overwhelming, completely incredible love that just changed everything. There was no going back and that was ok. Up until he was born I didn't feel ready. And sometimes still don't. I have NO idea how parents do more than 2! Good.ness. But we're taking it one day at a time, counting our blessings, and it's funny now- I really haven't look back at what I am missing, at what we used to have, because this- *this* is the amazing beautiful life I now live and, I absolutely love it.

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