Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Lather. Rinse. Repeat


Being a Christian is like shampooing your hair.

I tried to come up with a better opening line a million times, but that's all I've got.

I guess I could've said, it is weird being a Christian and being "in the know" now. I wasn't always a Christian. I used to be too many thoughts that i'd have to REALLY cross out so just use your imagination before I became a Christian. And I honestly always thought what a bunch of hypocrites.

And I was right. Because now that I myself am a Christian I look in the mirror and say what a hypocrite.

The thing I didn't realize before is that being a Christian basically means you see your own hypocrisy and recognize your need for Jesus. And you accept Him and then you live happily ever after you wake up the next morning and you're still a hypocrite. Yeah, that parts not on any of the brochures I've ever read. 

And what's so weird is that every morning you forget again. You think I'm a good person.. I'm a Christian or they would never do that.. they're a Christian. And you forget that we are all just sinful people. That we all do things, or say things sometimes that really hurt and that, quite frankly, aren't very "Christian". Except for that they totally are because like I said earlier, we're all a bunch of hypocrites.

This week alone, I lost my cool with my kids, got in a big fight with my husband, got upset at people and didn't tell them but just stayed angry on the inside, got upset at other people and blew it way out of proportion, didn't do even one day in my bible study AND ended up having to leave my women's group early and started selling tickets for the yearly Christian conference I run for the Christian women's network I'm on the core team for.

What. A. Hypocrite.

Not that I want to sin, I don't. Not that I think it's ok to sin, I don't. If you have a relationship with someone you want to serve them, to love them, to make them proud of you and happy. You want to talk to them every day and spend time with them. You want to ask for clarification about things you don't understand and, if you're anything like me, you want to set your jaw, squint your eyes and argue your point about things you disagree with. But all in all, if you have a loving relationship with someone  you do all these things and act in certain ways because you LOVE them and you want to show them.

And you know what? There is so much grace. So so so much grace. And not in a it's ok because I work really hard to be a good Christian or good mom or good wife most of the time so that will balance out this week kind of way. But in a God straight up doesn't see it because it's covered with Jesus' blood kind of way.

And that feels so weird.

And honestly, so hard for me to accept. When I actually became a Christian and was forgiven, that forgiveness was easy to accept. I mean, yes… what I did before which I don't write still because it would make you blush on paper looks WAY worse than what I do now (even though thats not true because all sin is just separation from God and you can't be any more or less separate than separate). But before I feel like I just didn't know any better. I didn't have a relationship with Jesus and once I accepted him it felt good to lay that sin at his feet.

But now?

No. The sin now- the lesser feeling sin that I can talk about and the darker sin that I'd never tell anyone- this sin feels heavy to lay at the cross. Because it feels like I'm responsible for it. And it feels like I'm supposed to be an example- to my children, to my husband, to the internet, to the friends I have that are christians and especially to those I have that aren't.

But y'all, I am a terrible example. There is nothing good in me apart from God. And it's weird that now that I'm a Christian I feel like there should be. Like my hard work and my striving and my blog posts and my conference and my parenting technique are anything apart from the blood of Jesus.

So can I just be honest and say don't look at me? And don't look at yourself? And don't look at that other mother, that other blogger, that other Christian, that other woman? Just look to God. Just lay it down… lay it all down at Jesus' feet. And wake up tomorrow and fail (along with me) and lay it all down again.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

13 comments:

  1. Oh friend. This is truth. Thank you so much for putting it into words and so openly sharing your heart.

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  2. I love you. (Creepy comment!!!!) Realizing your own hypocrisy and then realizing, oh crap I need Jesus - yup, that is the story of my heart. Probably for all of us, I'm guessing? Thank you for sharing this honest story. And may I add that I see Jesus in you - not because you fake perfection or try to make yourself look awesome, but because you are honest and speak the truth. Failing along with you, my friend. And being embraced along with you, too :)

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  3. Thank you for this. It was a beautifully written reminder that each day is new

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  4. Thank you for this. It was a beautifully written reminder that each day is new.

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  5. yes, i love this. this is how i feel every night. like i should have done better, like i failed miserably, like i can't really do this christian thing because i fail. yet every morning i am reminded that His mercies are new each morning, and don't have the words to be thankful for it, because it's just so much more than i deserve. beautiful post!

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  6. The Christian life is all about grace! I know I, for one, am quick to forget that! This is a beautiful post!

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  7. that was perfectly said. perfectly.

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  8. Whoa. Now this really struck a chord. Even though I'm starting to feel like my blog has become a tribute to how much I suck (lol), I still need a reminder every now and then.

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  9. Amen! You took the words right out of my mouth. I think that is the mark of a true believer. When you come to grips of how dependent you are on the mercy and grace of God and stop comparing yourself to others.

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